Poll: Considering this was the prologue, would you read chapter 1?
I would!
If I have too much time on my hands.
meh, I don't think I would, no offence
[Show Results]
 
 
Thread Rating:
  • 0 Vote(s) - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
Chapter 1. redone. I'd love feedback
#1
A rework has been made farther down, this is the older version if you're interested. thx for checking the thread! Big Grin
[Insert wise and beautiful poem/saying here]
-ThatWiseGuy
Reply
#2
I didn't have time to do much more than skim, but my first impression is that your style is a bit more geared toward oral storytelling. A lot of the details are presented as your (the author's) commentary on the characters, such as appending "quite hopeful at that" to the end of a sentence. It's not a terrible thing, but frequent author's intrusion does tend to break up the immersiveness of the story, and a style like this is best suited to short pieces. To remove the author's intrusion while still giving readers the details, you can frame them from a character's perspective, like "Drace refocused on Homble. It really was quite a hopeful expression. He gave a generous smile. "No.""

Anyway, more later if I can get back to it.
"To the extent that authority depends on the ignorance of the governed, good writing will always be subversive."
Reply
#3
(09-28-2017, 02:33 PM)Polaris Wrote: I didn't have time to do much more than skim, but my first impression is that your style is a bit more geared toward oral storytelling. A lot of the details are presented as your (the author's) commentary on the characters, such as appending "quite hopeful at that" to the end of a sentence. It's not a terrible thing, but frequent author's intrusion does tend to break up the immersiveness of the story, and a style like this is best suited to short pieces. To remove the author's intrusion while still giving readers the details, you can frame them from a character's perspective, like "Drace refocused on Homble. It really was quite a hopeful expression. He gave a generous smile. "No.""

Anyway, more later if I can get back to it.

 Thank you.
I think I'll change that sentence in the original text. I'll definetely keep this in mind.
[Insert wise and beautiful poem/saying here]
-ThatWiseGuy
Reply
#4
I enjoyed the mood tableflip and how the tea is quite a thing for one of the charas. The style of writing is pleasant to read for me. Got me indeed curious to read the rest, since at first I thought the charas are humans, but they obviously aren't... Will you share more chapters at some point? (I do remember there was more on this board, but the thread seems to be gone...)
"Anything can be art. Anything can be self-expression. Now take your weapon and run with it."
- Gerald Way

[Image: tumblr_ojj74xpbFJ1vh0d58o1_540.png]  <3
Reply
#5
(09-29-2017, 08:40 AM)PhantomUnderYourDesk Wrote: I enjoyed the mood tableflip and how the tea is quite a thing for one of the charas. The style of writing is pleasant to read for me. Got me indeed curious to read the rest, since at first I thought the charas are humans, but they obviously aren't... Will you share more chapters at some point? (I do remember there was more on this board, but the thread seems to be gone...)

thx.
 I probably will post some more when I'm happy with chapter 1. And the old thread is indeed gone. I thought it embarrasing and deleted it, I don't regret it at all, though I still have it saved on my computer

 And it's as you say, they're not humans. Drace is a masterian, a kind of godly watcher who's purpose is simply to manipulate the world. They can live indefinetely, so boredom is their one true enemy.
 While I don't have any pictures or drawings, I picture the masterian as a tall mass of bluish or scarlet smoke clad in a purple cloak. The cloak makes space for multiple arms and a head and the smoke/fog is only visible if facing them or if underneath them.
[Insert wise and beautiful poem/saying here]
-ThatWiseGuy
Reply
#6
It's been a long time. I've reworked the chapter and am now comfortable enough with it. I know I could try to make it easier for the reader to orient themselves in my world, but that will be for later when more of the story is at the same level as this prolouge. So, I'm not giving chapter 1, but just a remake of chapter 0.
 I'll point out that one character is referred to as a 'they' and the other one is a 'he'. there's also mention of a third character which is also supposed to be 'they'.

Enjoy!



CHAPTER 0.
ff Concept Of Overseers in Past Tense




 “Night comes, day goes, a creature from the forest shows.
Morning yawns, Night kisses you goodbye, as your mother, sister and brother die.
Day comes whole, morning old grown, when you and your talon unified... moan?
Homble, tea please”. Drace said. Their voice sounded shallow and creamy.
Homble nodded back at Drace. “Heat?”
The masterian nodded their head, “Right. I'd like it warmed, but not as much as last time” they made a waving gesture, “but definitely not as cold as the time before then”. Homble nodded and turned. Drace bobbed their head back and forth and looked thoughtful, staring into the air while their non-existent mouth was shaping muted words, possibly the ending for their half-built poem. Poems had been the most used time-waster for Drace for a long, long time.
Homble turned around in his step and looked at Drace, evasively. With a hopeful expression he asked, “Will I get to hear the end of the poem when I've brought you tea?”.
Drace refocused on Homble and gave a generous smile, “No”.
Homble sighed. He walked through the Blue Base, created by his masterian.
He ran through the shimmering crystal hallways minding the slippery floor. Drace was very fond of these because of the sapphires they had put inside the crystals to make them look deep and sky-like. He called it “Fashion for the fittest”.
Homble reached the end of the corridor and continued left, up the silver stairs that led to the tea garden. He looked at all the identical plants growing there. In fact, they were all the same type of tea plant that Drace had found exactly 108 years ago while visiting the world. They looked back at Homble with the same green, worn look they had given him the day before, and the day before that, and the one before that.
Drace had met someone drinking this tea, and after being convinced to try it, they had brought lots of the tea plant back to the base with them. They literally did not drink anything but this tea, no exceptions! Although there weren't anything else consumable in the base anyway. Homble nodded to himself thoughtfully as he cut 8 leaves off the nearest plant. Drace had given it the name Tyllic Tic Tains. they never gave an explanation.
Homble added water with the leaves into a cup, also imported, and warmed the tea up with a touch of fire and hurried back to Drace.
Drace was as always sitting on their beloved scarlet throne that they had found in the world on their most recent visit. Drace had said that they found it standing on the floor in some big posh-looking hall with much too much gold-colouring. they thought it such a shame that such a seat was in such an unworthy place, so Drace took it with them back.
Homble passed the last turn and stopped in front of Drace, “Here's the tea!” Homble said marking his arrival. Drace stopped staring and looked pleasantly at their tea as Homble gently poured a cup.
Drace took a slow sip from the cup. “Nice temperature” they said, nearly to themselves. they took another sip. Then a third, then two quick sips in succession. They emptied the whole cup and put it back down for Homble to fill once more. This was met with Homble's worried look. Like a parent he asked, “Are you bored?” He knew the answer well too well. This was a well-disciplined daily routine.
Drace looked up in the air sullenly, “Of course I'm bored! Nothing exciting is happening in the world”. Drace looked at Homble with a manic expression, “Best thing this week was two demunks fighting over a piece of fruit. It ended with a human coming and scaring them away. The human ate the fruit” Drace formed a foggy arm and moved it to their head in defeat. They looked back up and said, “And it's not funny, you just have a bad sense of humour”. This Homble had to digress.
It's better than average” Homble said in a suggestive tone. Drace looked back at Homble with their whatever-face, “Maybe, maybe not. What do I know”. Homble tried looking diplomatic, “A lot. You know a lot, Drace” He said, matter-of-factly. Drace looked back at him dumbly before answering, “That's not what I meant, and you know it”. Homble didn't answer, they had had this exact conversation several times before.
Drace took another sip and looked down with their sullen face and sat quiet, put and still. Homble knew this to be the norm, but it still bothered him that his masterian didn't get the entertainment they used to get in the earlier ages, when control was still a question, not a simple possession.
Homble checked his mind for strategies on: How to make Drace happy. He grimaced internally. Tea was already used so Homble gave up. He had yet to find anything else that Drace fancied.
Drace suddenly did a mood table flip, identified by a bright face and smile. Homble eyed Drace with curious eyes. “What? This doesn't follow your usual monologue. Mayhaps some human passed the one-year mark?” Drace shook their head at him and said, “Remember what day it is?” Homble scanned his mind again and looked back at Drace as if he didn't quite understand. “What day is it?” Homble asked, truthfully clueless. Drace turned their head, hiding their face in the indigo cloak that they had been wearing since they entered existence. “It's what Tyllic told me, the pattern that I hadn't realised existed”.
Homble understood, but played along anyway, “Tyllic told you to try the tea you're drinking right now”, he raised his hand in fake defeat, “What pattern may you be referring to?”
Drace leaned back just as someone in control should do. Then they got back up and said, “Today is the day the world gets a new toy! That means we have to look at it closely, I don't want the Moon Children Dilemma all over again”. Homble nodded. Seeing his master busy had always brought him a sense of accomplishment. He had never mentioned this to anyone, god forbid. Homble prompted the conversation, “Where is it going to spawn?”
Drace went into a perfect oh-face as they looked back at Homble, “Right. No worries, They usually spawn in forests or mountains, they should be easy to identify, unlike the Moon Children”.
Homble thought about the moon children, they were a species that had been introduced into the world around Tyllic's time. They were small spirits that took the form of semi-human children, but they had silver skin and white hair. The dilemma Drace so bitterly had dealt with was because this species threatened the authority of The Holy Church, which Drace used to keep everything under their control. The Moon Children had this nasty habit of sharing information through their innate powers, a kind of network, causing them to know quite a few things that were hush-hush information. Drace had to travel to the world themself to 'clean up' the mess, and to this day Drace makes sure that Moon Children are being suppressed all over Deinciconce.
Silence had entered. Drace was still seated, but their focus was any place but the room. Their vision was far away, flashing unnoticed through the Forest of Morg, and atop The Mounts including below it. Drace's vision went to Morgaard and the city's underbush, they flew over Pestem's walls and into thousand alleys and slums. Pestem was the largest city, and had countless of hidden pockets and corners within itself, something Drace had always found impractical since they therefore used too much time surveying it.
Still in utter silence, Homble placed himself behind Drace, humble in manner. Drace projected his view for Homble to gaze upon. Homble was very content, since he now had something better to do than looking at tea-plants growing.
  The room echoed with its silent resonance.
________

thx for reading, feedback is more helpful than anything.
When I showed it to a family member to go over, they suggested that I could make Drace refer to themselvs as "We", as in the royal we. Thoughts?
I copy-pasted this from my computer, so paragraph spacing and stuff is gone. Again, I'm truly grateful for any soul reading my work.
[Insert wise and beautiful poem/saying here]
-ThatWiseGuy
Reply
#7
Ayyeeee, it's these two again, the masterian and their servant! <3 I had to read the 'old version' again to compare it with the 'new one'.

And... to be honest, the version you just posted feels quite better, you've improved, added more information, description of things or actions (I love such a thing for the graphical imagination while reading) and even a hinted Moon Children Incident - a new species, yay! Keep that honed writing style for Chapter 1.

To be honest, I'd probably be confused at first if a chara would be adressed with 'we' outside pf speaking, but if they only do refer to themselves in speech, that'd be alright, I guess.



(03-31-2018, 04:40 PM)Nylon Wrote: Homble turned around in his step and looked at Drace, evasively. With a hopeful expression he asked, “Will I get to hear the end of the poem when I've brought you tea?”.
Drace refocused on Homble and gave a generous smile, “No”.

That's my favorite part.
"Anything can be art. Anything can be self-expression. Now take your weapon and run with it."
- Gerald Way

[Image: tumblr_ojj74xpbFJ1vh0d58o1_540.png]  <3
Reply
#8
(03-31-2018, 05:13 PM)PhantomUnderYourDes Wrote:
(03-31-2018, 04:40 PM)Nylon Wrote: Homble turned around in his step and looked at Drace, evasively. With a hopeful expression he asked, “Will I get to hear the end of the poem when I've brought you tea?”.
Drace refocused on Homble and gave a generous smile, “No”.

That's my favorite part.

*brushes hair behind back* I know right! Heart
What I meant to say was, "Thanks a lot for the comment", it's nice to see you react so quickly and it motivates me a lot. thx, phantom.
[Insert wise and beautiful poem/saying here]
-ThatWiseGuy
Reply
#9
Cool! I read this one, though I didn't carefully read the first version.

Your worldbuilding here is intriguing and you've left all kinds of questions that we want to know the answers to! And these characters are really great. You know, I think I will be able to tell which character is talking even if you don't inform us, just from their unique/distinct mannerisms. That's really impressive from just one short chapter.

Things to work on:
Tence = Tense
Some punctuation errors involving quotes. Might want to refresh yourself on dialogue's complicated rules of punctuation, if you care about that kind of thing.
Other minor grammar things. These don't really matter until the final polishing phase, and if you're doing this story just for yourself then you never need to worry about it!

On a coarser level, maybe in future chapters, I would say you might want to do some experimenting in how you present the exposition. It can get tedious or ruin immersion when characters explain everything explicitly, like all the explanation of the Moon Children. It's OK to leave things unexplained for a while until it makes sense for a character to bring up your new information. Subtlety.

Since we the readers are treated to the inside of a character's mind, it is immersion-breaking when that character is suddenly waxing eloquent on things he is well aware of. Another way to fix this is by developing a distinctive voice for the narrator. Think of your favorite fantasy story and you will probably notice that characters refer to places or people only by name, at first, and then later the reader is treated to more hints. If there's a history lesson, it's always brief and always told in a different 'voice' than the one used for a character's internal dialogue.

You've demonstrated mastery of character voice already, so I think this will prove fairly easy for you if you decide to experiment with it.

I hope you post more!
Current project:
http://fringehikers.com/
Tabletop RPG PokeRole: http://pokemonuranium.co/forum/showthread.php?tid=789
"Except Nate, he looked like a depressed onion."
Reply
#10
(03-31-2018, 10:35 PM)Iron the great Wrote: Cool! I read this one, though I didn't carefully read the first version.

Your worldbuilding here is intriguing and you've left all kinds of questions that we want to know the answers to! And these characters are really great. You know, I think I will be able to tell which character is talking even if you don't inform us, just from their unique/distinct mannerisms. That's really impressive from just one short chapter.

Things to work on:
Tence = Tense
Some punctuation errors involving quotes. Might want to refresh yourself on dialogue's complicated rules of punctuation, if you care about that kind of thing.
Other minor grammar things. These don't really matter until the final polishing phase, and if you're doing this story just for yourself then you never need to worry about it!

On a coarser level, maybe in future chapters, I would say you might want to do some experimenting in how you present the exposition. It can get tedious or ruin immersion when characters explain everything explicitly, like all the explanation of the Moon Children. It's OK to leave things unexplained for a while until it makes sense for a character to bring up your new information. Subtlety.

Since we the readers are treated to the inside of a character's mind, it is immersion-breaking when that character is suddenly waxing eloquent on things he is well aware of. Another way to fix this is by developing a distinctive voice for the narrator. Think of your favorite fantasy story and you will probably notice that characters refer to places or people only by name, at first, and then later the reader is treated to more hints. If there's a history lesson, it's always brief and always told in a different 'voice' than the one used for a character's internal dialogue.

You've demonstrated mastery of character voice already, so I think this will prove fairly easy for you if you decide to experiment with it.

I hope you post more!

 Thx a bunch for your reply, you sound like a proffesional story-rater, actaully.

Chapter name is now fixed, punctuation error is probably something I'll have to be enlightened to.
 The thoughts are invaluable for me, especially the immersion one, as I believe that to be the biggest problem in most fictions.
All the replies speed up my learning a lot. I wish you have a good day and hope you'll come back for chapter 1 as well, which is longer, probably filled with mistakes and is also written in 1. person. Drace and Homble will probably come more in-between chapters and such.
[Insert wise and beautiful poem/saying here]
-ThatWiseGuy
Reply


Forum Jump:


Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)