Poll: Considering this was the prologue, would you read chapter 1?
I would!
If I have too much time on my hands.
meh, I don't think I would, no offence
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Chapter 1. redone. I'd love feedback
#21
Cool, I see noticeable improvement. Things are flowing more smoothly now, there's plenty of context for the made up words, even grammar is better now. All without losing your unique voice.

Hopefully this chapter is leading up to something with high stakes or conflict.

Duran sounds like a self-aware man. Perhaps he'll be morally gray, but always in a justifiable way.
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#22
Thanks for your continued interest, Iron!
 I was worried that the chapter says too little of what happened earlier.
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#23
Ahhh, it's good to see a new Chapter by you! I'll give it a read later when being less busy, looking forward to it~
"Anything can be art. Anything can be self-expression. Now take your weapon and run with it."
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#24
Aww, that Chapter was a fine read! I can only agree with Iron that there's improvement, keep up that writing style!

What suprised me positively is that we're getting to see various scenarios within the chap; first ethereal Homble and Drace from Chap.0, then the two hunters from Chap.I and finally a new chara crossing paths with Yet (or at last, I strongly assume that this 'traveler' is Yet) - It feels like everything is somewhat connected, making me curious to find out in what way. Duràn for example seems to be everything but human, wonder whether we'll see him once again.

Oh, and I really enjoy that world building so far and the unique features there! That 'Light Surging' Penomena is something I imagine incredibly beautiful from the way it's described. Gimme more of such content please!


Quote: I was worried that the chapter says too little of what happened earlier.

Maybe. Maybe that comes from the time passing in between a new Chapter being released in contrary to when you buy a book and you have the full story already (does that make sense? It's hard to describe), but I was back in the story relatively fast without a need to fully reread the previous Chaps. Speaks for itself I guess?
"Anything can be art. Anything can be self-expression. Now take your weapon and run with it."
- Gerard Way

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#25
(08-02-2018, 05:10 PM)PhantomUnderYourDesk Wrote: Aww, that Chapter was a fine read! I can only agree with Iron that there's improvement, keep up that writing style!

What suprised me positively is that we're getting to see various scenarios within the chap; first ethereal Homble and Drace from Chap.0, then the two hunters from Chap.I and finally a new chara crossing paths with Yet (or at last, I strongly assume that this 'traveler' is Yet) - It feels like everything is somewhat connected, making me curious to find out in what way. Duràn for example seems to be everything but human, wonder whether we'll see him once again.

Oh, and I really enjoy that world building so far and the unique features there! That 'Light Surging' Penomena is something I imagine incredibly beautiful from the way it's described. Gimme more of such content please!


Quote: I was worried that the chapter says too little of what happened earlier.

Maybe. Maybe that comes from the time passing in between a new Chapter being released in contrary to when you buy a book and you have the full story already (does that make sense? It's hard to describe), but I was back in the story relatively fast without a need to fully reread the previous Chaps. Speaks for itself I guess?

Thanks for your feedback, phantom. Light surging is supposed to be a pretty thing so that's good to hear!
What you describe makes sense, probably. I think I relate. I've sent the chapters to my old teacher (who loves books and used to give me books to read all the time) so she'll be the first to read everything at the same time (prologue, ch. 1 and ch.2) so I'll see what she says.

 I also have a question, btw. If I say 'himale', is it clear what I mean?
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#26
(08-02-2018, 05:32 PM)Nylon Wrote: I also have a question, btw. If I say 'himale', is it clear what I mean?

To me it was pretty clear and 'hermale' brought the soft-confirm. :>
"Anything can be art. Anything can be self-expression. Now take your weapon and run with it."
- Gerard Way

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#27
Ok good, thx! xD
I think one of the big challenges with writing a good story with many characters is making the gender have an effect, but to not be stereotypical. This is even harder when I have a non-gender gender (males). My mother said "Make them passionate in a whimsical way" when I asked how to make realistic female (hermale) characters, so I'll try that. I still don't know what I can do for the non-genders though.
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#28
(08-02-2018, 05:44 PM)Nylon Wrote: I think one of the big challenges with writing a good story with many characters is making the gender have an effect, but to not be stereotypical. This is even harder when I have a non-gender gender (males). My mother said "Make them passionate in a whimsical way" when I asked how to make realistic female (hermale) characters, so I'll try that. I still don't know what I can do for the non-genders though.

None needs gender binary, it's outdated and mean! 'Passionate in a whimsical way' sounds pretty cool, curious to see what you'll make out of that. C: We've seen the mother of the two Hunters already, I enjoyed that flashback.

For non-gender charas... How about making everything just neutral, they just behave the way they want?
"Anything can be art. Anything can be self-expression. Now take your weapon and run with it."
- Gerard Way

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#29
Just one thing I noticed: the sentence "they took a drink." "They" needs to be capitalized, other than that this seems to be a very good start of a story.
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#30
(08-03-2018, 01:24 PM)Mikaruge108 Wrote: Just one thing I noticed: the sentence "they took a drink." "They" needs to be capitalized, other than that this seems to be a very good start of a story.

You're right, I actually had this fixed on my laptop but forgot updating the post. Thanks Mika! Welcome to the thread Heart 
May I ask what impression you got from Galdon?
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