10-24-2018, 10:46 PM
I think it's an interesting idea. I read through it, and from what I see here I think I'd read the rest when you post it. I will say it needs some polish, but that's true of every manuscript.
One thing I'm going to comment on here is dialogue rules. Typically you should start a new paragraph whenever someone different starts speaking, and dialogue goes in quotation marks. When it's inside a sentence, you end it with a comma and put a comma before it (unless the dialogue ends the sentence). For example, a paragraph from your story:
One said, "Ok we get the school and the screening going then what?"
She said, "That is simple. After we control this world we work on controlling the whole universe. Then work toward the multiverse. We will still need the best and strongest pokemon and the best trainers."
One said, "How about that for the name team Uni as the schools are university and we are after the Universe?" There were nods all around.
One stood and said, "Wait. Most of us in this room are known to the jennies and the government, won't they see the plan and stop us?"
She said, "Good point. This is why it will work we just convince them that we have learned the error of our ways and what their help in preventing any other groups from starting. We put a good enough act on they will not only help us but hand us everything we want. Yes, there are details that need worked out as each of us have different goals. But overall, we all want the power to control the world. It is the how that is the big differences between all of us in this room." There were mumbled agreements on that.
If you want, I can beta read for you and help you out with spelling, grammar, flow, etc. Just let me know and I'll get in touch with you on Fanfiction and give your first chapter an editing pass.
One thing I'm going to comment on here is dialogue rules. Typically you should start a new paragraph whenever someone different starts speaking, and dialogue goes in quotation marks. When it's inside a sentence, you end it with a comma and put a comma before it (unless the dialogue ends the sentence). For example, a paragraph from your story:
One said, "Ok we get the school and the screening going then what?"
She said, "That is simple. After we control this world we work on controlling the whole universe. Then work toward the multiverse. We will still need the best and strongest pokemon and the best trainers."
One said, "How about that for the name team Uni as the schools are university and we are after the Universe?" There were nods all around.
One stood and said, "Wait. Most of us in this room are known to the jennies and the government, won't they see the plan and stop us?"
She said, "Good point. This is why it will work we just convince them that we have learned the error of our ways and what their help in preventing any other groups from starting. We put a good enough act on they will not only help us but hand us everything we want. Yes, there are details that need worked out as each of us have different goals. But overall, we all want the power to control the world. It is the how that is the big differences between all of us in this room." There were mumbled agreements on that.
If you want, I can beta read for you and help you out with spelling, grammar, flow, etc. Just let me know and I'll get in touch with you on Fanfiction and give your first chapter an editing pass.
"To the extent that authority depends on the ignorance of the governed, good writing will always be subversive."
